The Myth of Resiliency: Why It Shouldn’t Be Your Ultimate Goal

Resilience, a concept often touted as the ultimate goal in overcoming adversity, is problematic.

In fact, I think “resilience” is a four-letter word. I tend to roll my eyes a bit when the word comes up because it so often seems like toxic positivity’s band-aid solution to getting through Really Hard Things ™.

How many times have you heard you need to bounce back, be strong, and not give up in the face of job loss, a relationship ending, etc?
(Too many, I’m sure.)

And how many times have those messages actually helped?
(I thought so.)

What if I told you that I think the idea of resilience – at least how we throw it around lately – is kind of B.S.? And that there’s more than just weathering the storm and coming out the other side unscathed? There's the process of understanding, accepting, and integrating the experience into our lives, which is often overlooked in the resilience narrative.

What if I told you that resiliency shouldn’t be your end goal when you’re going through Really Hard Things of your own?

If you look up resilience in the dictionary, you’ll see two definitions:

the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress

an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change

I don’t think either one gets at a core truth: eventually, change (and the stress that comes along with it) changes you. Anybody who’s lived through Really Hard Things will tell you that.

Now, don’t get me wrong: resilience is important. I do think we should have tools and skills in place to recover from or adjust to change. But resilience is just one piece of the puzzle. Simply bouncing back from challenges without addressing underlying causes or acknowledging what lies beneath can lead to even more damage.

So what if instead of fixating on resilience as the ultimate goal, we adopted a more holistic approach? One that encompassed adaptability, growth, and support. One that offered a more nuanced and effective way to overcome adversity.

Let’s break it down:

Adaptability is not simply about enduring difficult situations; it's about growing and gaining strength from those challenges to better face future obstacles. Unlike resilience, which is about bouncing back to the original state, adaptability is about evolving and adjusting to the new normal. It involves recognizing that hardships will transform you and embracing that transformation rather than resisting it.

Growth also goes beyond resilience. It can be misery-inducing to try to bounce back to who we were before something transformative happened. There can and must be room for grieving what once was and now isn’t, but there can also be room for celebrating the new thing that’s sprung up in its place. Recognizing the learning, self-discovery, and personal development that’s happened even in the midst of – or perhaps because – of a challenge can be incredibly empowering.

Support, in all its forms, is a crucial element in our journey to overcome adversity. It's not about toughing it out alone, but about reaching out and building connections. Whether it's through community, helping professionals, or the support of loved ones, having a network can make a profound difference in our ability to navigate challenges. Remember, you are not alone in this journey.

It's hard to cope with change and the stress that comes with it. It’s time to broaden our perspective beyond resiliency and embrace adaptability, growth, and support as integral parts of our journey. If we do, we might cultivate a more compassionate and sustainable approach to facing life’s challenges.

So, why not start today? Reflect on a recent challenge you faced and consider how you can apply these principles to your experience.

Are you navigating challenging change on your own and looking for an empathic guide to help you through? Learn more about my coaching approach and how I help women like you navigate change with more ease.