Small Talk Doesn't Have to Be So Small

I’ve been thinking a lot about small talk lately.

Partially because my own social opportunities have been opening up again (like book club in person and not over Zoom!) and partially because I’ve been hearing from friends and clients that, as their own worlds begin or continue to open up, they’re dreading the small talk that feels like a necessary evil in social settings.

Almost without fail, everybody’s feeling one or both of these things:

• Small talk was hard and/or awkward before and it feels 10x more so after two years of limited social interactions

• Small talk feels so… well, small after we’ve been through some sh*t

And I think we can agree that, as a collective and as individuals, we have been through some sh*t. Am I right?

In fact, I almost called this post “Why Small Talk Sucks When You’ve Been Through Big Things.” (But then I remembered that “sucks” is basically equivalent to a 4-letter word as far as my mom and grandma are concerned and thought better of it.)

It kinda does though, doesn’t it?

A long, long time ago, I used to be somebody who LOVED to work a room. Often with a cocktail in hand, I could talk to anyone about almost anything. I was — wait for it — somebody who actually liked making small talk.

Then I went through some really big things which made me finally get around to doing the real work of figuring out my innermost me. And, as I learned who I was and what I wanted, I started realizing that I wanted to show up more authentically.

But what does “showing up authentically” even mean?

In her book The Gifts of Imperfection, researcher and storyteller extraordinaire Brené Brown writes:

Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.

I don’t know about you, but that felt almost antithetical to what’s going on when we’re making small talk.

For at least a couple of years, I couldn’t stand situations that demanded it from me. It felt fake. It felt completely un-me. (At least the me that I was getting used to showing up with.)

But over time, I figured out something that made it suck less:

Small talk doesn’t have to be so small.

Now don’t get me wrong. If you’re in your comfort zone waxing philosophical about the weather, more power to you! This one’s for the folks who feel that sense of dread as they get ready to head into a room of strangers or minor acquaintances and worry about what they’ll say, how it’ll be received, and how they’ll feel doing it.

When I make small talk these days, I try to make meaningful conversation but in bite-sized bits. Think about it this way: depending on the party/networking event/whatever, it’s absolutely possible to fill up on the appetizers being passed around the room. It just takes a little more time and you might have to wait for a tray or two to make it your way.

I know, I know… You’re asking, but how?

First, define your mission. I do this ahead of walking into a room. Maybe I try to meet 3 new people at a community mixer. Or, I plan to get to know an acquaintance just a little bit better by sitting next to them at book club dinner. Having a mission keeps my social anxiety to a low roar and also keeps me centered on showing up as authentically as I can.

Then, focus on making your short conversations really good bites.

You could try:

1. Ditching the “So, what do you do?”
   We live in a society that likes to define identity by job titles. But often somebody’s job isn’t the most important or even the most interesting thing about them. Find another way to lead in. You could go big with something like “What’s the most important thing I should know about you?” or start small by asking about the last book they read or favorite place in the city to grab an ice cream.

2. Swapping your “what” questions for “why” and “how” questions.
   A what question will often lead to a short answer. But a why or how question digs just a little bit deeper. You might even start by asking your new not-yet-friend why they’re there.

3. Asking for advice.
   I wouldn’t jump to this one right off the bat. But, if you’ve been enjoying your chitchat for a bit, go ahead! Maybe you admire something the person has achieved and want to know how they did it or maybe they’ve been at something longer than you have and have a few tips and tricks they could share. Almost everybody feels good when they get to be an “expert,” so don’t feel bad allowing them to be!

4. Being mindful of the give and take.
   I’m one of those people who tends to chatter more when I’m nervous so this one’s a good one for me to keep in mind. I focus on listening more than I speak. But since I’m a nervous chatterbox, it usually ends up equaling out to about 50-50. Another tip? I pay particularly close attention to balance when we’re talking about something that really lights me up. I want to make sure that the other person has a chance to get a word in edgewise.

These days, making small talk feels less like a chore and more like a chance to fill up on micro-connections that may turn into something more substantial over time. (And that makes small talk suck a whole lot less.)

I’d love to hear if this made you think a little bit differently about small talk. You can leave a comment, drop me a line via my contact form, or catch me on the socials (colored links waaaay at the bottom of the page). And if you want to spark a conversation of your own, you can use the grey social shares just below.